things i love
- hot dads
- hot 35 year olds
- powerful men
- rich men
- hot dads
things i love
- hot dads
- hot 35 year olds
- powerful men
- rich men
- hot dads
It is the year 2046. The time has come for the annual Blog Inspection. Armed android wardens begin to arrive at the homes of the country’s prisoners who were once called citizens. A warden knocks on a ramshackle door. It is answered by an old man, bedraggled, starving, weary. The robotic guard’s abdominal display screen flickers to life with the image of a popular post on tumblr. “This has to be on everyone’s blog at least once,” intones the android. Fear enters the man’s eyes. He has not reblogged this post. He shrieks and, with one fell motion, blasts a hole into the android’s head with his laser magnum. Everyone in the neighborhood watches on in horror as the man, calling for liberation, is tackled by dozens of androids. His screams die with the buzz of plasma spears. There is no freedom. This has to be on everyone’s blog at least once. Everyone’s.
are you okay there
E V E R Y O N E
NO CHANCES TAKEN
Hey! This is my first fic rec and I will be doing this once a month starting today! I chose my absolute favorites for the first one but I still have a super long list waiting! Enjoy!
Versus - secondstar - Explicit
At age nineteen, Stiles Stilinski was the next big thing, according to The Guardian. It was surreal, not being able to turn on Sky Sports without hearing his name mentioned along with the names of players he grew up idolizing. Stiles couldn’t believe that this was his life.
You can’t dodge Stiles Stilinski - stilinskisparkles - Explicit
“And this is it?” he points at the first girl. “I saw you in first period, you barely bothered to catch any of the balls you were tossed. I’m pretty sure you spent more time on your cell.”
The girl rolls her eyes, and looks completely unashamed of the fact she had her phone out in class. Derek knows Finstock would have stepped on it.
“And you,” he points at the second girl, taller and with eyes that meet Derek’s coolly. “You can’t throw anything worth half a damn. And what are you,” he points at the boy, trying not to look him in the eye, and failing. “A hundred and fifty pounds wet?”
The boy smirks at him, and Derek looks resolutely away. He’s now desperately trying not to picture him wet.
"I can’t work with this.”
Move a Mountain - zainclaw - Explicit
Stiles goes camping with his friends in New Mexico after graduation where they befriend a biker gang led by Derek: a guy whom Stiles can’t decide if he will be either relieved or devastated to never see again once their week is up.
Gravity’s got nothing on you - zosofi - Explicit
“Three weeks,” Derek says.
“Still don’t want to,” Stiles says.
“I’ll pay you,” Derek says, and that… that has Stiles interested. Alf’s Antique’s may be a great job, but it’s not a high-paying job, and half of Stiles’s tuition is coming from financial aid, so…
“How much,” Stiles asks, “are we talking here? Because I know your family, dude. And it’ll be kind of awkward after.“
“My family thinks you’re some sort of fucking gift to the world,” Derek seethes, like he’s jealous, “they’ll probably be pissed at me when we break it off, so don’t worry about that. Five hundred bucks.”
“A thousand,” Stiles says, because screw ethics. Also, the Hale family is loaded. Derek can deal.
Pretty Melody - thepsychicclam - Explicit
Stiles hasn’t seen Derek in six years, so when he shows up at the bar where Stiles works, claiming to be some indie rock star, Stiles can’t believe it. Stiles has even more trouble believing that he and Derek are about to have a one night stand.
Soon one night turns into two and three, and seeing Derek causes old wounds to open for Stiles. As Stiles reconnects with Derek, he finds himself painting things he’s been avoiding, and he thinks maybe he’ll finally start to heal.
Enemy Lines - qhuinn - Explicit
This is the story of werewolf Derek Hale and human Stiles Stilinski: two people who grew up in the same town but completely different worlds, their realities split by the war between men and wolves.
Years later when Derek returns to Beacon Hills, he does it as Alpha of a military pack on a mission to capture those responsible for the region’s resistance. With his main objective, Sheriff Stilinski, out of sight, he settles for the next best thing: his son, Stiles.
Neither of them suspects they’ll need to trust each other if they want to make it out this alive.
Sense of Home - sinyhale - Explicit
Home can be a place, but it can also be a person.
After the events with the Nemeton, Stiles starts suffering the consequences of their sacrifice. A journey he attempts to make on his own, but only becomes worse with every step he takes. In the process he seeks comfort in an unexpected place and it draws him toward an unexpected person.
Illuminated - zainclaw - Teen and Up"Because I’m falling in love with you and it’s scaring the hell out of me."
Your Majesty - grimm - Explicit
It wasn’t like he was a pro or whatever, but like any teenage boy he’d spent a lot of time jerking off, and there were a lot of people on the internet that liked watching that sort of thing. And while the idea of doing actual porn - like, porn with another person’s dick in his ass porn - kind of made him uncomfortable, jerking off by himself in front of a camera sounded okay. If you’re good at something, never do it for free, right?
Eat, Knot, Love - pandabomb - Explicit
Stiles Stilinski, an omega and teenage nobody, is going into heat very soon.
Alpha Derek Hale takes notice.
No Homo - RemainNameless - Explicit
Stiles’ sophomore year starts something like this:
+ 1 peer-pressuring cat
- 1 best bro to end all best bros
= 1 Craigslist ad headline that reads “str8 dude - m4m - strictly platonic”.
Derek is the fool who replies.
Want is a dangerous thing - grimm - Explicit
It was bad enough that Derek was so terrible at meeting people that he had to buy himself a mate, but it was even worse that his mother called a pack meeting about it. Laura was never, ever going to let him live this down.
Dude, Werewolves - mysecretashes - Explicit
Stiles gets partnered with Cora for a history project, and they become bros. Also, he kind of falls in love with her older brother, Derek.
Permanent Fixture - linksofmemories- Explicit
Derek is Scott’s older brother. Stiles is Scott’s best friend. Derek is falling in love with Stiles. This is a bit of a problem.
DILF - twentysomething - Explicit
"Today is Scott’s first day of kindergarten and Derek is terrified."
Prince Among Wolves - tylerfucklin - Explicit
Looking for full day/evening sitter. 2 twin boys age 4. Must have exp. w/werewolves. Must be human. No pedophiles. No teenage girls. Pay negotiable.
The Company I Keep - secondstar - Explicit
Stiles has a favorite table at the library. Then some asshole comes along and steals it from him.
the lunch table configuration - thepsychicclam - Explicit
When Isaac makes Derek switch lunch tables, the last thing Derek expected was to fall for Stiles.
Professional Misconduct - Habernero - Explicit
Stiles gets a massage. And then some.
Alternatively: in which Stiles’ mouth gets him into trouble, again and again.
Kaleidoscope - Vendelin - Explicit
Stiles spends a year before college working at the all-night coffee shop in town. It’s nice and quiet, until one dark and brooding Derek starts coming in every morning, ordering coffee so strong that it should not be fit for human consumption. Ever. Stiles tries not to be affected by the mystery guy, but it’s not like anything else happens around here, so really, what did you expect? And when he’s already in too deep, he realises he might even be in way over his head…
Every Step You Take - Nokomis - Mature
Stiles accidentally ends up magically bound to Derek. It’s super.
if you asked me if i love him, i’d lie - dereksstilinski - Explicit
Derek has already typed the entire report out and even got all of the stuff prepared for the poster that Stiles and him will have to present. Derek found that he actually didn’t mind doing all the work when it was Stiles he was doing it for, but he wasn’t going to let Stiles get away completely. He was going to get Stiles to come over and help with the poster, so help him god.
Baking my way into your heart - theSilence - Mature
Derek is an uptight college student, all work and no play. His carefully scheduled life is thrown kilter when his regular barista is replaced with someone new.
Darling it is no joke - thehoyden - Explicit
The first thing Stiles thinks when he opens the door is that it’s not his birthday, but someone has sent him some kind of cop stripper.
THE SPONGEBOB THEME SONG SLOWED BY 800% WILL HAUNT YOUR DREAMS
This was no joke, sweet dreams
HOLY SWEET JESUS YOU CAN HEAR THE CRIES OF THE PITIFUL SOULS FROM HELL
DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU!
NO FUCKING WAY
Usually these things are bullshit but this is legit terrifying
This is extremely Tumblr worthy.
OK SO IN ENGLAND THIS IS WHAT A RUBBER IS
AND SOMEONE ON MY DASH JUST MENTIONED PUTTING A ‘RUBBER’ ON YOUR PENIS AND
I GOT REALLY REALLY CONFUSED
THIS IS WHAT WE CALL A RUBBER IN AUSTRALIA TOO. WE FEEL YOUR PAIN.
SAME WITH NEW ZEALAND.
We don’t have those in America because we don’t make mistakes.
THAT WAS ONE TIME
HE WAS ELECTED TWICE.
bless this post
Imagine stabbing someone with this knife.
It would instantly cauterize the wound, so the person wouldn’t bleed, so it’s not very useful.
if you want information it is
and above, in order, we see a gryffindor, a ravenclaw, and a slytherin
why would you stab a PERSON when you can have TOAST?
There’s the hufflepuff
Why are you saying “oh no” there’s a reason the condom was there. Would you rather whoever took it to go have unsafe sex?
Boxer crabs are badass because they pick up
handfulsclawfuls of stinging sea anemones and use them as weapons.
I thought that was a cheerleader crab
Waitaminutewaitaminute- what you’re telling me is that when that crab gets threatened, it picks up another organism laying nearby/minding it’s own business and then proceeds to use said innocent bystander to beat up whatever was threatening it?
someone please find a picture of this crab and put “I’ll beat a motherfucker with another mother fucker” on it in captions. Do it please I am not good with edits.
I am now singing “I will beat a motherfucker with another motherfucker” to the tune of Llama Llama Duck.
I will beat a motherfucker
with another motherfucker
'til the motherfucker fucking fucked the motherfuck.
Do not fuck with motherfuckers,
Who have other motherfuckers, with to fuck you back.
I once saw a spider
He was not a dove.
using other creatures like some fucking pompom gloves.
He looked very pleased.
And with spider friends like that
Who needs anemones?
Did you see that motherfucker punch a fucker with a fucker?
I will beat a motherfucker
with a motherfuck.
Once a motherfucker fucked with
twice the motherfucker and he
found the motherfucker was a motherfucking… duck.
By Popular Demand:
Oh sweet Jesus, I laughed so hard I had a coughing fit. omg.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CLICK THE TINY GRAY BOX, SOME GUY WITH A FETCHING ACCENT ACTUALLY SANG IT
That is “I Am The Very Model Of A Motherfucking General” level singing.
i have never seen a nipple in my entire life.
step one: lift up shirt
2) look dwon
holy shit.. holy Fucking shit what the fuck is that